I confess…When I was talking to a couple of my grandkids recently, I forgot that the most important part of a relationship is the connection and the correction is secondary. So, this story, from Stop Struggling With Your Child is a helpful reminder to all of us.

Here’s a telling story of how one well- meaning father got so wrapped up in helping his son improve that he ended up missing the boat and was discouraging rather than encouraging to his son, Sam.

It was Sam’s little league game.  He was just beginning to feel comfortable with the rest of the kids on the team and the other dads who were coaching. Sam’s mom and dad were out there sitting on the lawn with the rest of the parents.  Dad started off great.  He was as encouraging and supportive as he could be.  He cheered in all the right places and really showed an interest.  When Sam’s team went into the outfield in the third inning Sam was put on third base and he was delighted.  Until then he’d been so far in the outfield, he hardly knew what was going on.  Dad, a lefty like Sam, was not so delighted.  “He’s a lefty.  You never play a lefty at third because his reach for the ball at the fowl line puts him at a disadvantage,” he told his wife.

So Dad, wanting to help Sam make the best of a difficult position, casually strolled to third and gently guided Sam over a little to compensate for his being a lefty.  In fact, he casually strolled over three or four times during that inning and gave Sam quite a few helpful hints as long as he was there.  Now this was not one of those sports minded aggressive dads who had visions of a major league.  This was a dad who just wanted his son to have a few helpful hints so he could play his best and not feel frustrated.  He wanted Sam to enjoy the game.

Mr. F, with the best of intentions, was doing what many parents do.  He was trying to give his child a feeling of success and accomplishment by correcting the child, by telling the child “if you just do it this way instead of the way you’re doing it now-you’ll do a better job.”  This is clearly an approach that maximizes the importance of the end result-being a good third baseman.

What’s wrong with that?  Aren’t there times when a little advice is in order? Yes, but advice and corrections need to be doled out in small measured portions that begins to decrease as the child exhibits more and more independence.  When parents chronically offer help, help toward a good result, they are essentially robbing their child of the very feeling of success they are trying to achieve.  They are robbing the child of feeling proud of what he can do independently.  They are robbing the child of a belief in himself.  Quite honestly, kids are less encouraged by our helpful hints than we would like to think.  And as far as improvement goes-believe it or not, improvement comes naturally over time.

Until next week,

Evonne Weinhaus